The Last Day of School - Excitement and Anxiety

When I joined Peace Corps, my number one fear was how I’d handle change. I’ve always struggled with change. When I was four I was mad when my mother had her hair permed; I spent hours combing my hands through her hair to make it straight, and make her my Mom again. For those 8-months I was angry, because she didn't look like my Mom! 

Even positive change can send a hammer to my heart and feelings of anxiety and fear of loss. What am I losing exactly? Before I make major decisions I run everything through an internal cost-benefit analysis. To justify a significant change, I have to be both extremely unhappy and distressed, or the change has to be so amazing I couldn’t resist.

So, last July I returned from Peace Corps, and I immediately dealt with some reverse culture shock. I didn’t like the change, and there were moments of my holding an empty coke bottle (once filled with my homemade wine), because it was my host families and was written in Georgian. I didn’t want to let it go. The unemployment didn’t help and I went through months of anxiety and doubt. I felt I needed a new start, but I wasn’t ready for it, and I couldn’t make it yet. I doubted being a teacher, I doubted my success in Peace Corps, and I honestly thought "Well, I better just go get a Government job". Luckily I didn't go down that road.

When I got my job at the high school, as an Instructional Assistant, I was ecstatic, but nervous. I didn't know what to expect, and I didn't know if I was competent enough in my field to work well with students, and special needs students at that. My first day of work was great, and each subsequent day after that was great as well. The students didn’t cannibalize my face, so that was a good sign. I had a lot of help along the way, and it made work no longer feel like work.

The reason I felt great getting out of bed in the morning was because of my job. I loved it. The staff I worked with were AMAZING. Each teacher had their own personality and quirks that made me think “they are the coolest person in the world”. It took me two months, but I opened up to them about my personal life, my love life, family, and personal history. These people were my friends and coworkers, and we worked together as a well-oiled machine... with plenty of oil changes along the way, of course. We played jokes on each other, we laughed, we made decorations, we finished puzzles, we played games on our phones (that I won). I feel like I work there forever.

That’s the problem. That’s where I hate the change. I know this job is going to be great, but I’m also happy where I am. So, when I run the cost-benefit analysis in my head I get mixed messages. I get “Yes! New awesome and amazing job!” I also get “Dang! Leaving a great place!” I guess this is where my brain has to work a bit more. I have to justify it in my brain as the right decision; the natural progression of my life. There will be lots of changes for me this summer (like last summer), but unlike last summer, I am more able to handle the changes (you won’t see me running out of a Wal-Mart with a panic attack because of the myriad of choices). 

I’ve also enjoyed my work at the elementary school, but their last day of school isn’t until Monday. Yesterday the class put on skits for a visiting preschool class, and because we had an odd number of students I got to be in one. The students were laughing and having a great time, and at the end a group of them came up to me and said “We’re gonna miss you Mr. Lyon.” Why would anybody want to leave that? I have a video of it if anyone is interested.

Life moves on, and all we can do is move forward. I can say honestly that it's a GOOD thing I didn't get a job right away last July. It's a GOOD thing I spent that time unemployed. I've learned so much the past few months, and I've become a better educator because of it. I think it's true the way my sister-in-law told me: "You'll get a job and then realize it was all meant to be." I think it's true, and everything happens for a reason.

Mom, you can perm your hair whenever you want to; I won't be mad... Probably.

Relationship Status: It's Complicated with FACEBOOK

I have used Facebook since 2004. I think my university was in the second or third tier of schools added by (then) TheFacebook; before it opened to high schools and later the general public. People always say “I’m going to delete my Facebook account”, but few ever do, and those who do are often viewed as atypical or somehow socially inept. For over a year now I have struggled with the decision to destroy my Facebook account and begin living my life, not advertising my life, but the possible social ramifications of deleting have weighed heavily on me for some time. My sister-in-law even said “it’s sad, because it’s like a journal of 9 years”, but through Facebook’s archival feature I can save all my old photos, wall posts, and messages. I recently decided to delete my old profile and try to start again, but I feel I may have outgrown Facebook’s usefulness, and it has become more of a waste of time than ever before, and here are my reasons why.

I know plenty of amazing professionals with Facebook accounts, and they always post very few things, and usually have only a handful of friends. Every year, hundreds of people are probably fired from their work because of an inappropriate picture or comment. I have to be hyper vigilant and careful with my Facebook (and my blog) to make sure nothing, not even the most mundane, can be considered offensive or unprofessional. I consider Facebook primarily a social tool (if you want professional join LinkedIn), and therefore it has limited professional use (we can debate this last point all day long, too).

I believe that Facebook has been positive and negative on my social life, but mostly negative. There are a ton of “friends” on Facebook that I wouldn’t talk with normally, and Facebook is great for staying in touch. Here’s the thing, we didn’t stay in touch for a reason, and by pretending we’re besties on Facebook doesn’t do anyone any good, if it’s not true. If we’re good friends, and we talk on Facebook, we can easily move our conversation to e-mail or phone (I abhor texting ). Facebook is also an enormous farce. Nobody is that happy all the time. We’re all guilty of it; hell, I’m guilty of it on my blog a lot of the time, too, but it’s still fake. We only show our best selves on Facebook, and I’d rather be getting to know people on a personal level and empathize with them.   I’m feel my happy moments are private, and I’ll share them with my close friends or relatives, but not necessarily with 400 people I don’t care about. Furthermore, Facebook can destroy friendships and relationships, just as easy as it can forge and maintain them.

Human interaction and communication is so complicated, that the digital age has failed to match our evolutionary predisposition to non-verbal communication. Without proper communication a friendship, or romantic relationship, for that matter, will fall to excessive personal offense and passive-aggressiveness. A simple status update, photos, profile/cover picture changes can set a person down a train of thought that will ultimately crush a relationship. Since I’ve been home, I’ve made a pledge to never friend the girl I’m dating, post pictures, or mention her on my Facebook. That’s a personal side of me that I no longer want to share with the world, or the majority of my Facebook friends. I have nothing to prove, and I’m not interested in showing off anybody just to get the “Oh my God, you two are perfect together” comments. I can and will show my love and affection in other ways, but Facebook is not a meaningful place to forge a relationship.

For example, I remember sorority formals, the “special” soccer field, prom, graduation, house parties, and dancing to “our song” and eating fondue with my first girlfriend. With all successive relationships I remember the moments we spent together (no particular order): Communiversity, a river in Canada, monument-hopping in D.C., walking Batumi streets, the beach (and having a bird poop on my head), laser tag, making nachos, Turkey,  drinking coffee and watching CNN, working in the library. These are the things I remember. I don’t remember anything that any girl has ever written on my Facebook wall or messaged me. These Facebook and internet talks are a complete waste of time, and I just don’t want that. I want memories with touching and feeling, not words.

Finally, and most importantly, my personal value system is not predicated on the validation of my peers. I am not beholden to anybody but myself, and ultimately I look myself in the mirror and find my own sense of self-worth. I just got my dream teaching job, but I’m not quite done, either. I’m ambitious and now I need to read and study history and psychology more thoroughly than ever. I have continued my study of Russian and even get practice with a funny Russian, and a somewhat mean student; I’m progressing, but there’s more to do. Further down the line I may want to be a school principal or a superintendent, and that means more time and education. Maybe I’ll consider founding a school in Georgia with my friend/coworker there. We talked about it once, and who knows what will happen if I set my mind to it.

Don’t get me wrong, Facebook has some advantages. I can communicate openly and freely with my friends and colleagues in Georgia and the USA. It’s more convenient in making the groundwork for social events. Cultural attitudes flow in Facebook, and I’d miss out on entire social issues and changes. I’ll miss the news articles I see from my friends that engage everyone in meaningful discussions on controversial issues.

That is why I decided to archive my old Facebook as a journal and start anew. This new Facebook is a fresh start, so I wouldn’t have to go through my old wall posts and pictures to delete unprofessional/inappropriate comments. It’s also a way to choose who I want to be friends with, and what I want them to see. I won’t promise that I’ll stay with Facebook, and I will very likely delete this profile at some point, too. If you have any desire to stay in touch you can always send me an e-mail, call, or stalk me through my blog.

Cheers.


*Edit* I should also point out that Facebook creeps me out now that I know the NSA is able to track, and that Zuckerberg even gives them information. That's not cool.

Welcome Back

Wow, it's been a hot minute since I last wrote anything in this blog. I started two other blogs, but they didn't have the same feel as this blog, and I decided I still had some "tales" to tell. I originally deactivated my blog to hide it from the potential all-seeing eyes of Google. I have 100 posts here and I feared something written here would come off the wrong way or offend an employer or student.

After closer examination I haven't discovered too many inappropriate posts or words, and I feel this blog could be a great way for students to see me for me. It's also a great social studies teaching tool. I also believe this blog was a great resource for prospective, currents, and returned Peace Corps Volunteers. I still have some editing to do to old posts and comments, but the feel of the blog will remain the same. I want to support future Volunteers and RPCVs who find themselves struggling professionally as I did.

This has been a difficult year, but all the waiting, hoping, and disappointment has paid off ten-fold. I can now see more clearly now than ever the path I'm on, and the future isn't muffled in the dark. I'm not just making it through life, I'm finally living the life I always pictured. As a family member told me two weeks ago "You know all that waiting and disappointment was because you were just meant to be here... where you are NOW." What she meant was that I finally got my dream job. I mean my REAL dream job. I'm going to be a teacher of history and psychology at one of the best schools in the country, and arguably the best in the state. It's also up in a area that is consistently ranked as the number one community for young professionals.

I know my experience in Peace Corps was instrumental, but it wasn't the only thing. For the past semester I've been working at two schools; a high school and an elementary school. The high school position deserves special recognition. I was terrified going into it, because it's working with emotionally disturbed students with a variety of behavioral and emotional issues. I didn't know what to expect, but I learned and grew considerably. With the help of some amazing and talented staff I have found a new classroom confidence inside myself. Seriously, The students make my day, too, and I find myself dreading the end of the school year. I have so much fun at work, and it is a job I wake up excited to see everyone. I know I'm built for teaching, and I'm looking forward to my future in education.

I've had a lot of highs and lows since I've been home. I've learned a lot about myself and what I want to accomplish with my life, I learned that I'm highly resilient and flexible to changing situations. I'm a lot more hard-working than I ever thought, and after over two years my friends are still there. I'll even be a groomsman in one of my buddies' weddings. I've learned that true happiness comes from within, but that family is the most important thing. I've developed new hobbies, I've gone out, I've had fun, and been on dates. I've been happy, and sad, but mostly happy. I've missed my Peace Corps friends, but my favorite two are back in America now and I even got to see him, and I'll see my other friend in two weeks.

My last entry before this I felt disillusioned and unsure of who I was or where I was going. There are a lot more reasons to how I felt then, but fear not, world. Life after Peace Corps can be amazing and great. I'm proof to that.