The Last Day of School - Excitement and Anxiety

When I joined Peace Corps, my number one fear was how I’d handle change. I’ve always struggled with change. When I was four I was mad when my mother had her hair permed; I spent hours combing my hands through her hair to make it straight, and make her my Mom again. For those 8-months I was angry, because she didn't look like my Mom! 

Even positive change can send a hammer to my heart and feelings of anxiety and fear of loss. What am I losing exactly? Before I make major decisions I run everything through an internal cost-benefit analysis. To justify a significant change, I have to be both extremely unhappy and distressed, or the change has to be so amazing I couldn’t resist.

So, last July I returned from Peace Corps, and I immediately dealt with some reverse culture shock. I didn’t like the change, and there were moments of my holding an empty coke bottle (once filled with my homemade wine), because it was my host families and was written in Georgian. I didn’t want to let it go. The unemployment didn’t help and I went through months of anxiety and doubt. I felt I needed a new start, but I wasn’t ready for it, and I couldn’t make it yet. I doubted being a teacher, I doubted my success in Peace Corps, and I honestly thought "Well, I better just go get a Government job". Luckily I didn't go down that road.

When I got my job at the high school, as an Instructional Assistant, I was ecstatic, but nervous. I didn't know what to expect, and I didn't know if I was competent enough in my field to work well with students, and special needs students at that. My first day of work was great, and each subsequent day after that was great as well. The students didn’t cannibalize my face, so that was a good sign. I had a lot of help along the way, and it made work no longer feel like work.

The reason I felt great getting out of bed in the morning was because of my job. I loved it. The staff I worked with were AMAZING. Each teacher had their own personality and quirks that made me think “they are the coolest person in the world”. It took me two months, but I opened up to them about my personal life, my love life, family, and personal history. These people were my friends and coworkers, and we worked together as a well-oiled machine... with plenty of oil changes along the way, of course. We played jokes on each other, we laughed, we made decorations, we finished puzzles, we played games on our phones (that I won). I feel like I work there forever.

That’s the problem. That’s where I hate the change. I know this job is going to be great, but I’m also happy where I am. So, when I run the cost-benefit analysis in my head I get mixed messages. I get “Yes! New awesome and amazing job!” I also get “Dang! Leaving a great place!” I guess this is where my brain has to work a bit more. I have to justify it in my brain as the right decision; the natural progression of my life. There will be lots of changes for me this summer (like last summer), but unlike last summer, I am more able to handle the changes (you won’t see me running out of a Wal-Mart with a panic attack because of the myriad of choices). 

I’ve also enjoyed my work at the elementary school, but their last day of school isn’t until Monday. Yesterday the class put on skits for a visiting preschool class, and because we had an odd number of students I got to be in one. The students were laughing and having a great time, and at the end a group of them came up to me and said “We’re gonna miss you Mr. Lyon.” Why would anybody want to leave that? I have a video of it if anyone is interested.

Life moves on, and all we can do is move forward. I can say honestly that it's a GOOD thing I didn't get a job right away last July. It's a GOOD thing I spent that time unemployed. I've learned so much the past few months, and I've become a better educator because of it. I think it's true the way my sister-in-law told me: "You'll get a job and then realize it was all meant to be." I think it's true, and everything happens for a reason.

Mom, you can perm your hair whenever you want to; I won't be mad... Probably.